Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Know Theory

I've heard people say - "What I don't know cannot bother me"

I think that's not necessarily true. I would like to make some rearrangements to that phrase and make it more elaborate.

  • What we know, we know pleases/bothers us.
  • What we know, we don't know scares us.
  • What we don't know, we don't know does not bother us.

Brittle Bones

N - We had our usual game of soccer last evening and Brittle Bone Vee again managed to fracture himself. This time it was his nose. He got tangled with another player and then fell down and managed to break his fall by falling on someone else' knee. He heard the sound of his nose break.

E - The other day he got 'Rogered' and almost had his eye smashed by ball that traveled too fast and didn't give him enough time to get out of the way.

Here is a footballer who needs an ENT specialist after a game. [The throat has been safe so far]

Vee I suggest you start wearing a helmet and playing. I finally figured what to gift you for your birthday.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Wishes to a Dear Friend


Happy Birthday to one of the most beautiful and intelligent woman I have ever known.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Swan is just an Ugly Duckling



We have all heard about the Ugly Ducking turning into a Swan theory. What about something that’s different from that? [I evolved from the ugly duckling to the whale if you look at my weight these days]

The Swan is nothing but an Ugly Ducking within.

We look at all the beautiful, rich, confident, successful, [not necessarily they are all one person with all these qualities] and similar adjective people and think how they must be living life without any of the insecurities that we live with. That’s totally untrue. They live with bigger insecurities and the worst part is that they probably do not even get to show it because they have to live up to a certain image.

You would think a model has a complex about her body as compared to us mere mortals, or a jock feels timid around the geek, the boss feels threatened by his understudy, or that a multiple time champion has no belief in his abilities but feels that he just got lucky on all those occasions. These people live with complexes and insecurities, and to project that they don’t they overdo the image projection part.

So you will see that they may appear extremely snobbish, or overtly aggressive, or over adjusting, or awfully rude. Some will not miss an opportunity to put you down, make fun of you all the time, ridicule your tastes and humiliate you in public. You just have to see through this and know where the insecurity lies. These people are a nuisance to others but they tend to be a torment to themselves.

Ugliness is nothing but feeling alone against smiling enemies. It’s the double whammy of misfortune to yourself and good fortune to others. So the next time you encounter one of those beautiful swans you admire, do not forget that they are nothing but the ugly duckling wearing an attractive outer layer.

Beauty my friend is only skin deep, but ugliness goes down to the very bone.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Facebook Realizations - 5 no longer


I did a couple of these Facebook quiz’s on how well do you know… and the results were disastrous. The worst part is it was for my lil cousins. Just made me realized that I have not been spending enough time with them and there is so much about them I do not know. They have grown up and I still remember them as my little cousins.

Questions like how old was I when I went out on my first date and how many boyfriends did I have so far made me uneasy for some reason and that’s when I realized that my lil sisters are not 5 years old anymore. They are grown up teenagers and they are leading normal teenage lives. I didn’t know how many times they had travelled abroad and that KFC seemed more important than spending time with family.

I always thought that I probably was reasonably close to them and this has been an eye opener. I promise myself that I shall take more time out on my next trip home to spend some more time with them.

[And to think I thought their favorite childhood game was – Doctor Doctor help us…]

Updates

Swamped with work, presentations, procedure manuals, costing, etc etc. looking forward to my mid week soccer game and then a fun weekend. Last weekend it was fun meeting Susie for dinner and giving her gyaan on the places to visit in Turkey when she heads there next weekend. Have fun Susie.

Football fridaze are now more fun because of a smaller group and closer friends. Its less competitive, more fun and it’s a better surface. A close ally’s birthday is coming up and she has not yet told me what she wants a birthday gift. WOMEN!

Reading Olivers Story by Erich Segal and its about this guy who loses the love of his life and walks around like a zombie etc etc. Just cannot seem to relate to the character because I am one who always bounces back strong and happier. Your happiness should always come from within you and not from out and that makes you a happier person always.

I want to take a trip with family somewhere when they approve my leave and I can get my mind of all the pending things at work.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Willy Models for Zurich

Willy gets a feature in an ad for Zurich. Very proud of you bro, very proud of you.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Thampu Engaged


Thampu and her fiance are now engaged [in a battle must I add?] and I am so happy. After Durga and Chom she is the first to plan to settle down and here is looking forward to some cute little mallus. [but only after the wedding i hope]

love you Thampu. Congrats

Listen Carefully Next Time

This was overheard after a robbery went wrong and the one thief was caught with the safe in his hand running with his partner and the guard was behind him with his pants at his ankles.

"No, you idiot. You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

[I wasn't present but I heard this one]

Casabianca

I read an evaluation of Casabianca written by one of my closest friends and she has taken a very philosophical view to the whole poem and has dissected it and related it to life. Her view as someone slightly younger to me appealed nonetheless, and she is a very talented writer. So I am not too sure if I should credit her for her views or for her writing. I credit her for the effort though, because this girl is going places.

THE POEM
Young Casabianca, a boy about thirteen years old, son of the admiral of the Orient, remained at his post (in the Battle of the Nile), after the ship had taken fire, and all the guns had been abandoned; and perished in the explosion of the vessel, when the flames had reached the powder.

TRIVIA
I recited this poem while I was grade 3 at the inter house recitation competition.

VIEW
The same poem made sense to me then in such a different way as it does now. But the one things that remains the same is that I always looked as myself as the boy in the poem. I considered myself fairly obedient and very loyal to my causes be it football or green house [that’s the name of the house, not the green house effect thingy]. Now I find myself fiercely loyal to family and yet at the same time living life on my own terms and condition however anti society or anti establishment that may seem.

The feeling of destruction is one that grips me when I do read this parody. Burning, wreck, dead, flame, booming, despair, wreathing, fragments – they all convey the carnage that took place and yet it does not seem to refer to the environment but more to what happened to that young lad and all that went through his mind as he stood atop the deck.

Depending on what you are going through in life, this poem will make sense to you within that context. If you do get the time, please do read the poem.

Susheel Returns

Sush is in town and am looking forward to a good weekend with him and the other chaps. Jokes, pulling each others legs, office humor, bitching [yes we do that too], taking a dig at wives and the works make up for a day to look forward to. Add to that, the fact that I shall probably have two gorgeous women as my dates for the day ist likely to be a day to remember.

I better remember to take my cam along.[Its for the women not for myself.]

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

RELATIONSHIPS

You can’t do without them, that is for sure. It exists. If you do want to maintain it then that also is your relationship. They never remain constant. They constantly evolve. But there is one factor that affects all relationships and that is attitude. It is your attitude that will help make or break your relationship. Good times happen because of the stance you take to a particular situation. And during the bad times, your approach decides on whether you drift apart or some closer.

Death for example can take people apart or get them closer. I remember the death of my grandma brought the whole family closer with my sister donning the mantle that ma granny once held. It could have gone wither way. She could have fallen apart and all of us would have also, but the attitude she took saved us all. There is no better feeling that sitting next to the one you love especially in times when you have lost another loved one.

TRUST
Trust is another key ingredient. It’s like a pair of socks. Its gotta be two and it’s got to match. It’s the foundation of any relationship. When you feel betrayed by a particular situation you have to take a look at it objectively and look at the intent behind the actions. Many a time we feel betrayed, and we probably are by our own perspective and expectations but it need not be that someone else betrayed us. That is nothing but your attitude.

UNDERSTANDING
Understanding. Its difficult understanding the word understanding. Very often it’s misunderstood. Your understanding is also based on your attitude. If you take responsibility to ensure that others understand perfectly what you are communicating and you understand perfectly what others are communicating the relationship work pretty smooth.


Many a time we feel incomplete. No man can live as an island they say [though we can definitely live on one]. We feel we are imperfect, and so we're always searching for somebody to perfect us. We get into a relationship. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still incomplete, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising or sometimes with something more promising. It need not be a person. We do share relationships with inanimate objects as well though we may not realize it. Food, TV, Sports, etc. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

YOU AND I
I have a few relationships that I consider real important to me. Some of them have existed from the time I was born, some from my childhood, one from my stay here and one in the very recent past. I cannot define them though. I am limited by vocabulary. They are not water tight compartments and often spill in over to another compartment. So I shall not try to define them or set parameters but instead when I refer to them for other people I shall use generic terms like friend, sibling, and colleague so that someone may have a term to put to it. I do not need one.

You know how important you are to me and the very fact that you are reading this means you are already an integral part of my life for life.

Monday, June 22, 2009

First Gift

My uncle and aunt were in the hospital because my cousin had just entered this world, and a colleague from office visited him and enquired about my little cousin. He then gifted them a bar of chocolate that he bought 'specially' for the baby.

Friend: She likes chocolates doesn't she? [he was talking about the baby]
Uncle: Yeah she does. In fact Dairy Milk is her favorite brand.

My aunt did not stop laughing.

UnDO - Ctrl Z

So we were at Willy's place over the weekend and we were talking about how couples used to be before marriage. So Petr was telling us about how he used to sit at home on Thursday evenings and play PS3 and so would not meet us at Bostons for drinks and dance.

Petr: I used to not do anything on Thursday evening but sit with Roger and Eddy and play PS3.

Lynn decided to support him as a wife and said, "Ya he really didn't do anything on Thursdays. Including me."

Lynn wishes she could undo that moment.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Comrades

Am listening to Dish ramble on for the last 20 minutes and this girl goes on and on and she is just so animated with her voice when she talks about her friend, you cant help but not listen or interrupt her. You just the most excited girl I have ever know in Dubai.

Shamona leaves today for a holiday and Dubai is a lot quieter and slower without her. Taboo is never fun without her especially if she is in the other team. Headbandz is something we have not seen her in full glory as yet. Will miss you kuttyno.

Petr came up with an absolute beauty yesterday at soccer. Why did SRK drink himself to death in Devdaas? Because both the women in his life were singing Dil dola [Dildo La]

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Compilations - Of Girlfriends and Women

[this one really got my sis laughing. And no offense to women.]

Hey guys,

I’m on a major trip. And this is cos I’m really heart broken. My gf doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time. She wants a mediocre man, and I am working hard to be as mediocre as possible. She laughs at everything I say. Why? Not because she thinks it’s funny but because she has fine teeth.

Then comes the final sentence to every argument. Why don’t you want to marry me? There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is when I'll get married. The trouble with marrying your gf is that you create a job vacancy. Lol. But to impress a woman to become your gf, all you need is the dope. I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts: financial worries.

I want to be successful in life. Behind every successful man stands a proud gf and a surprised to be mother-in-law. If it up to her then she’d like a world without men. Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

But being with her I realised many things about women. God created women because He couldn't teach sheep how to type. And therein comes the secret to a successful nation. He who can govern a woman can govern a nation. So now we know why Mr Bush is not doing so well. Women like silent men. They think they're listening. Dennis you are going to be the ideal husband.

So I finally broke up with my gf. If you don't think women are explosive, try dropping one. Why haven't women got labels on their foreheads saying, "Danger: Government Health Warning: Women can be dangerous to your brains, genitals, current account, confidence, razor blades and good standing among your friends. We had a lot in common. I loved her and she loved her.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. And trust me I am. I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body.

There is a big difference between love and infatuation. Infatuation is when you think she's as sexy as Pamela Anderson, as smart as Sushmita, as noble as Sonia Gandhi, as funny as Whoopi Goldberg, and as athletic as Serena Williams. Love is when you realise that she's as sexy as Whoopi Goldberg, as smart as Pamela, as funny as Serena Williams, as athletic as Sonia Gandhi, and nothing like Sushmita--but you'll take her anyway. And it also means you need to get your head checked.

There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I have erased that line. There is no human problem, which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advised. I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. And a lot of girls, I mean a lot, a lot would endorse that.

Compilations - Vegetarian Mind

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

And why am I raising all these questions? Freaking Vegetarian mind.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Compilations - Dubai Life

Letters to family in 2004

I don’t want to be a celebrity. I cannot work hard all my life to become a well known face and then wear dark glasses to avoid being recognized. I like me the way I am. I am not going to be the most downloaded face ever. Heck I’m no good at computers. It beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kick boxing. Though I am paying the damages caused.

I lent some money to my ex gf. Never seen her ever since. It was a worthy investment. Grow up you say when you read this. Well - I’m not an adult as yet. I’m still growing. When i stop growing at both ends and grow in the middle is when I’ll be an adult. I attended mass last week with my uncle. The sermon was about Adam and Eve. My uncle noticed me feeling his ribs. He asked me what I was doing. I said, "I counted these ribs 3 times now. I think I'm having a wife."

I did some shopping for my friends. All girls. Now I stopped laughing at women’s clothes. Now i know any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them. Money never seemed so valuable before. Have you noticed that anything you lose automatically doubles in value?

Speaking of values I said a prayer yesterday. "Lord, I wish you would make it rain - not so much for me, I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old cousin here.[In Dubai it does not rain too often]."

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Compilations - Creative Thoughts

[more from 2004]

So I have been trying to get the creative juices flowing. Hope at least some of you laughed. Because that was my intention. Some must have laughed as they were reading it and some after. She who laughs last thinks slowest so I hope you have the last laugh.

I needed to borrow some money to get through my initial expenses. I learnt an important lesson there. Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back. And you can go back for seconds. Speaking of which I clocked 13 in my 100 meters. Pretty good considering the amount of people I met on the way as I was running. I am in terrific shape. Most of it is due to the amount of exercises I’ve been doing. Though in the last few days it has kind of reduced. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck with my boss.

This place is great but the loneliness is a killer. Tina you were right. I do miss her. I need someone really bad. (All you single women out there)Are you really bad? Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If she isn't there the first time you need her, chances are you won't need her again. Don’t think I’m getting smart with you. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. But I’m sure your day will come. Haven’t you heard, every dog has his day? Then what about the bitches?

Hey did I tell you guys I have girls living with me in the same house? It’s a great learning experience. One good turn gets most of the blankets. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep. I do miss my ex gf a lot. A lot. But my aim is improving nonetheless. We used to party like crazy. It was always One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Every time I left her she threatened suicide. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide is it considered a hostage situation? But the one important lesson she taught me I’d never forget.

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment. Wow. When a man talks nasty to a woman its Sexual harassment. When a woman talks nasty to a man its $5 a minute. But I know how to please women. It's something that's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Yep it’s Money.

My girl left me. She was too demanding. She always wanted free gifts. Aren't all gifts free? Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Especially if yours is a coed group. So how’s things back home? Hey here is a funny one. What do you call a beautiful girl in India? A tourist. Well I must get back to work now. Trying to hone my leadership skills. Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Compilations - Secret to Success

This was written in 2004, when I had just moved to Dubai.


Hmmm,


How important is money? I think it’s not important at all. I can prove it. All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy. Give me lots of money for the rest of my life and see how unhappy I am! I will not fail. I cannot afford to make anymore mistakes. Have you noticed that any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers? You are always asked trick questions. By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions. I always admit my faults. But the true test is admitting it to someone else.


I have seen a change in myself. My aspirations keep soaring. In this part it has to. The cost of living goes up too often. By the time you can make ends meet, they've moved the ends. Change is required. So I thought maybe we should have a woman boss. That is like permitting yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. [No offence to women here]I love the problems women come to you with. Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.


On a more serious not, my boss is happy with me. He says I’m like a teakettle. Though it is up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing. What the heck. I’m successful nonetheless and all due to the work I did. The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work. And my life of course. I work smart. I have a new theory. It’s like writing a patent medicine. First convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable. And third that this is the medicine that will cure him.


There you go, that’s my secret to success.




No Write

I have been terribly busy with the play and then work for the last month or so and hence I have not penned anything down recently. But am posting up some stuff I had penned in 2004, when i just moved here. Letters to family and friends. All are compilations.

Monday, April 20, 2009

I need some sleep

Of all the thing man treasures on earth there is nothing he treasures more than sleep. I need a real rest now and I have not slept a wink last night. I wish to write more these days because there is so much more to write about but there is little time with this whole theater business. If only I could inherit Nel's or Den's ability to sleep anywhere and everywhere I'd be a happier guy. [somehow my ability seems to be anyone and everyone - Damn I am a Casanova]

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I Met A Girl

This one is for you Kiddo...

I met a girl who loves the moon [werewolf tendencies anyone?]
I met a girl who loves too soon
I met a girl who laughs and weeps
All in one moment, she rocks, she sweeps

I met a girl like a lil doll [if you have seen her you know…]
I met a girl who sweet n small
I met a girl who was 5’3
Who just lets me be ‘me’[love that bout her]

I met a girl with lovely hair
I met a girl at whom I stare [she always up to something]
I met a girl who smells real nice
Her mood swings r her only vice [and oh boy! do they swing?]

I met a girl who has bad cramps
I met a girls who storms at stamps
I met a girl lucky as can be
What the heck! I didn’t meet her - she met ME [she gonna kill me for this line]

Death and Life

Death is always hard to deal with. Life is what we all want. Death is what we all fear. Many of us feel that life is not fair. And there are those of us who feel that death is not fair either. Fairness does not govern life and death. If it did, no good person would ever die. But then who defines good and bad or whether a person is good or bad for every good person has done something bad and every bad person has done something good.

Death does just catch someone, it also misses another and in that small distance between life and death, lives change. We sometimes wish that we had died instead of someone else we loved. Sometimes we just don’t realize how close were to dying. When u almost drowning and someone throws you a float, death missed you. At the same moment somewhere else got caught. A brick falls from a building and just misses you but gets the next person, you miss a flight and it goes down, when you do not inherit the cancer that runs in your family, it is all near misses and someone else getting caught.

I always have been drawn to funerals. It brings lives together, sometimes even ends long feuds. Death can change the lives of those living. They are both part of a whole.

When my grandmother passed away, she just didn’t die. She ensured I live.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Reflective Self



You are many people. Most people know that they are who they actually are and who others think they are, but what most do not realize that they also are who they want others to think they are. It’s called the reflective self [my brother gave me the word for it while we sat at the beach talking this weekend]. And it plays such a big role in shaping who you are.

So when I ask you tell me something about you its very likely that you will reveal what you want me to think of you as opposed to who you really are. And we tend to get so engrossed in depicting this perception to others that we tend to believe it at times even if it is not true. Over the years you built a certain reputation and now you stuck with it and you like it and even though its not you anymore you have to work hard to keep up that impression. And we then spend most of our lives living that or trying to undo that reputation.

There are some of us who of us who face ourselves but lack the balls to face the world, there are others who face the world but then cannot face themselves and then there are those who face the world and themselves but have to go through a lot of crap to be that way. This reflective self comes from our conditioning. It comes from what is taught to us directly or indirectly and we are slaves to that conditioning. I will not tread carefully to be politically correct here. There are those who do not follow any of the principles of religion but are at the fore of all religious functions to show how religious they are. There are those who are married, but keep testing the water [you know what I mean] given the chance if they think they can manage it slyly and get away with it. There are those who rationalize things according to the situation and then tell themselves, ‘I am not that kind of a person [you believe your reputation over reality] and I am only doing this within limits’. There are those caught in bad situations but cannot get out because of what other people will say and think. And there are many more of ‘those’.

If you look back at your life, you will see that there was one person who was really special to you in your life and that person is not there anymore as the years passed by. If you look carefully you will realize that the person was you yourself. It was you and your innocence that made life so beautiful. Gone are the times when you thought that your parents were the best parents in the world apart from your dad being the most handsome and your mum the most beautiful. Gone are the times when you had the best family, the best uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents and friends. Gone are the times when you thought that even if you moved to a better house you would like the same neighbors to come along there as well. Gone are the times when on a deserted road you looked at a stranger and were happy that there was another person there.

The world remained the same. We changed. Our outlook changed. Those days we had no set principles but we followed them nonetheless. Now we have principles that we talk about and harp about but we do not follow them and even if we do we bend them every once in a while. Our problem is our reflective self. We hold others to standards that we ourselves cannot live by. That is the hypocrisy of our lives. We never lie, but we just do not speak the truth either. I know of a person who told me that she had buried the hatchet; she did not mention that she buried it in my back.

Reflect Yourself.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Zen goes Desi

Great News to all the gourmets and connoisseurs of fine dining, Zen [my favorite restaurant] has begun a Desi [Indian] menu.

Now you still cannot go to Zen and not devour the Thai food, but you can try out the Indian dishes as well. Now this is not your typical Indian food with some idiot from India coming and cooking up some nonsense and passing it off as Indian food. These are carefully researched and designed creations that caters to your taste buds, Zen style. Well I have always maintained that you don’t go to an Udupi restaurant and have Chinese food and this I speak from experience. But you can definitely go to Zen and order desi food because like it’s Thai and Chinese counterparts the food is sumptuous. The problem with Zen is that you hooked on pretty easy especially if you are a foodie like me or a sucker for great ambience and have a list of women you want to impress.

I won’t recommend any particular dish, but I would suggest that when you get there you tell Nicky what food you like and how you like it and let him surprise you. Ok you know what, I am going to recommend something and it is the Dal Kurchan.

Nicky – you owe me a new wardrobe.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Am I Looking Fat?





Q: Am I looking fat?
A: Yes you are and no matter how much weight you lose you will always look fat. Because there will always be someone who will be thinner than you. So just quit.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall – I don’t trust what I see at all.

Now that’s the answer I give to women who keep pestering me with the damn question day in and day out. It’s like the national pastime of women of every country. When they are born the first word they understand is ‘thin’ and the first sentence they construct is “am I looking fat?” Just be happy with yourself and accept it that you look a particular way. Sometimes I wonder if they do it for sympathy. Why this constant need for reassurance? I mean come on; you have a mirror at home – so please look into it and see and judge for yourself if you are fat or thin. And honestly it does not even matter because apart from the first two we see you; no one ever keeps judging you by your looks. From then on it’s what you speak and how you behave.

Lisa Oh Lisa

I had this senior called Lisa. Pretty thing. We were working on a movie together and happened to spend some quality time together. Big mistake. I told her, “Lisa you have two things in common with Lisa Ray.” She asked, “Our name and we both are pretty?” I said, “well the name is common alright, but the other fact is that both of you are great until you open your mouth to speak. And yes you are pretty. Pretty stupid that is to think that you can compare your beauty to Lisa Ray with that double chin of yours.” That was the end of our friendship. I think it was the double chin that did it.

Laying Tracks

In college I knew this chick who weighed 90 kilos and she refused to wear ‘track pants’ because they made her look fat apparently. Really? Babe when you play hopscotch it’s like you doing – Kerala, Karnataka, Maharashtra, [Goa is too small for her] Gujarat, Rajasthan, Punjab, Kashmir… so just chuck the ‘look’ and wear the damn tracks. Anyways people are running around you to get some exercise so you really think that anything you do will look any different?

Fat Football

Yes, it’s considered to be cool and hot and beautiful and handsome to be thin and slim and slender. But honestly – you really think that counts for much? The only reason I’d like to lose weight is so that I can run faster and I’d be able to defend better when I play football so that Julius won’t keep pushing the ball past me and making a dash for it while I am forced to bring him down. If I do shed some I will be able to bring him down easier because I am never going to be as fast as he is.

Description not Judgment

Don’t be like those women whose bodies are thin and brains are fat. Fat and thin are descriptions not judgments. Don’t get too carried away by them. But it has thrown up some brilliant ideas as well. I am going to use them to label cigarettes and alcohol “contains 90% fat” and maybe add a photograph of naked fat people smoking and drinking as well.

Take my advice – better be thick skinned than thick in the head.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Chameleon Theory

The word Chameleon has its roots in Greek and means "on the earth, on the ground, lion." Now that is pretty weird because it looks nothing like the lion. Now the reason I am writing this is not to give you a picture of the scientific gobbledygook about chameleons. If you thought that you obviously did not know that science was my least favorite period in school, my favorite being sports. Now that speaks a lot about how much you know me as well, and why on earth am I going off topic.

Damn. I have a short attention span. Well the most widely known characteristic about the chameleon is that it changes its color. Some say it changes its color according to the environment it is in and that sounds ‘cooler’ so I shall go with that. Now people often take on the color of the environment they are in too, they blend in with their surroundings and camouflage themselves with the society they live in. And then you try and belong, you do everything in your power to be as ‘like’ others as you can and you forget that you were created unique.

Sometimes we feel that what is around us is erroneous or there is the craving to do things differently but the pressure is just too much and most of us cave in under its weight. Hence we take the easy way out. And we start believing all of what is told to us. Religion, marriage, birds and bees, gender, rituals, life, death and the list in endless. And sometimes it’s so ridiculous that if you ever took the time to step out of yourself and view it objectively you would laugh and how base a thing your life is.

As kids we are in the “why” stage from about 3 years old to about 8. [Let’s listen to some of the stuff you have heard as kids.]
“Mel, do your studies”
Why?
Because you need to get good marks
Why?
Because you need to get into a good college
Why?
So that you will get a good job
Why?
So that you will earn lots of money
Why?
So that you will get a good girl to get married to, because no girl will marry you if you don’t have a lots of money

[For most of us this is where we became the chameleon] Not me though. [And now the process is reversed]

But I don’t want to get married
Why?
Because I don’t like girls
Why?
Because I only love football and girls don’t play football. In fact I want to grow up and be a football player like Pele
Why?
[And it just goes on]

You see it was told to us at that age that marriage is the ultimate thing to achieve and it was important to have lots of money to get married. No wonder I always thought the girls were after my money and I refuse to get married.

The Greek roots now come into play. Here is the lion. Damn it! This chameleon refuses to blend in and insists on being “outstanding”.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Real Heroes

I have been disappointed with the audio visual journalism in India in recent times. Sensationalism, glorification, and making mountains of mole hills have been the trends. Some of them are such utter nonsense I can’t believe that there are actually people who view this shit and think its news.

I was appalled at the commercialism during the whole Mumbai terror attack by all the leading channels. If you think that making someone cry on television and use his sorrow to up TRP is business, I do not want to live in that part of the world anymore. I wish someone had done this to the very people who presented this nonsense at the loss of a loved one and I would like to see how much they enjoyed being on TV then. Leeches. God knows. Some of them may actually do just that and invite the whole world to come view their mother’s funeral if it brings in the moolah.

Just when you think everything is lost and we have no hope you switch on the TV and surf through the mindless crap and you come across a news channel that’s airing ‘Real Heroes’. Great I thought – another award function for the film stars who are nothing but stars [big balls of gas]. I do not know what prompted us to linger on that channel, maybe the presence of Aamir Khan, but it was a pleasant shock. They were actually recognizing the efforts of 24 heroes from real life who have done great deeds that have gone unnoticed till date.

Nisheeth Mehta 80% of whose workforce consists of employees who are disabled. Mohamed Sharif who gives abandoned dead bodies a dignified burial after bearing the trauma of seeing his son been buried as an unidentified body. IIT graduates who have returned to the village to give back what he has learned and resisting the lure of the big bucks. A vegetable seller, who let nothing stand in her way of setting up a multi-specialty hospital, Zaputou Angami who polished shoes and washed utensils to raise money for setting up a home for the destitute children in Nagaland, a fruit seller who set up a primary school in his village, a 16 year old boy who set up a school at the age of 9 and now provides free education to nearly 600 students. [these are just a few of the people I remember]

It was so overwhelming that tears welled up in my eyes and everyone with me who was watching this. Here we have such easy lives and yet we complain about the cost of living, the living conditions, the rents, the government and every goddamn thing and we have forgotten to thank God for our blessings and all that we have. We do absolutely nothing for others such is our life. You do one good deed and gloat about it for the next five months. Such is our shallowness. Where we see disability others see ability, where we see poverty others see an opportunity, where we see things gone astray others see a chance to rectify it. They bring to light the triviality of our existence. [Me included]

I sincerely hope that these people are elected to their constituencies as independents and they get a chance to do for their region what the politicians have failed to do in all these years. There is so much inspiration to be gained by them. I think CNN – IBN have done a commendable job with the Real Heroes project and I would like to put my hands together for a news channel after a really long time.



Thursday, March 19, 2009

WRITING

I embarked on a journey to express myself through prose and poetry as a kid. I was never great at telling people what I felt about them or what I felt in general. So I took the help of writing down my thoughts. I remember writing poems in school and very soon half of the guys were approaching me to write poems on their behalf to their beloved. It was good fun because that way I figured out who is chasing whom and sometimes I have counted up to 20 + guys after the same lass. Now since I didn’t know too much about these women except that they studied with me in the same class you can imagine that she must have received a few poems from her admirers which were not so different from each other.

Now if you think that writing is easy business you are mistaken. Everyone likes to have had written but no one really likes to write. A person who composes a message or story in the form of text is generally known as a writer or an author. But I do know what to call myself because I am none of them. I am no poet either just because my lines rhyme.

The important thing about writing is that you do not play to the galleries but at the same time be open to suggestions that people give about your style and content. Now there are those who tell me that I don’t write as frequently as I used to. Now what do I tell them – it’s the damn recession.

Writing to me is more about an escape, an expression and a creation. A creation of a new world, where I reign supreme, where my word has value more than others. Innovating upon words of George Orwell I say – “when I write I am more equal than others.”

Thank you, Tejjal and thank you Perri.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Controversy Land

Barber Blabber

I remember going to the barber as kid for my haircuts. It used to be a dreadful experience because I loved growing my hair long. I guess Amitabh Bachchan was my idol and hence the fascination for long hair. But dad used to make sure that the experience was a pleasant and used to buy me a bar of 5 star later to compensate for the ‘hair loss’. I wonder if I do return to that saloon would it be offensive to call my barber a ‘barber’. Would I be sued for calling him that? It’s ridiculous. Billu Barber was changed to Billu because barber is a derogatory word. Its there in the damn Oxford dictionary. It’s a legal term.

Now you will tell me I cannot call a plumber a plumber and a carpenter a carpenter. So are these people to be called basin stylist and wood designer respectively?


Kutte, Kaminay

This is my favorite dialogue as far as Dharmendra is concerned where he goes, “Kutte, Kaminay, Mein tera khoon pi jaunga.” [Dog, Rascal, I will drink your blood] I think anyone who imitates him will always begin with this dialogue. And its never considered bad or rude or derogatory or an expletive. In fact it’s funny when we use it. And yet after slumdog millionaire was out and became a hit people had an objection to the word “Slumdog” because it has the word ‘dog’ in it. Really? And what do you think Dharampaji was saying. Maybe the breed of dog is important as well. I guess he was talking about the nice German Sheppard’s while Danny Boyle was talking about the Mongrels.


Can’t Touch This

Delhi 6 had Divya Dutta play an untouchable and there was uproar over that saying the term they used was inappropriate. So what do you call her then? Or should be not call her at all? Maybe they should have used M.C. Hammers – ‘cant touch this’ as the theme song for her every time she was on screen, as that would probably give the hint that she is one.


Funny Guys

I recently read that Hindu activists allegedly opposed erecting a statue of comedian Charlie Chaplin as part of props on a local beach for a film in Bangalore, because the actor was a Christian. Apparently the land on which the statue was to be installed belonged to a Hindu temple and the statue would hurt Hindu sentiments. If that’s the rule then ban all SRK, Aamir Khan’s, Salman Khan’s, Saif, Irrfan and John Abraham movies as well unless of course they convert. Then again the “some” Sena [just too many of them floating around with problems to keep track of] is against conversion so that would be a problem as well. Hence we are stuck. Idiots.


Problem

The problem is that people are really jobless and have nothing to do. I guess all this talk of us never attacking another nation and being a peaceful state is getting to the people. They want to fight. They want the limelight. They want to be heard and want to be in the news. No one is giving them their 2 minutes of fame without a protest or controversy.



Solution

There is no point in media not giving the coverage because they will get more desperate and take bigger measures to ensure being in the news. I did the right thing thanks to my foresight and vision. I sent my brother to study law and he is the brightest in the family. I get all my articles, speeches, etc etc checked and verified from him before I make them public and if someone does sue he will make sure that the case goes on for at least 20 years or so.

If only these ‘jobless’ [not people without jobs but people without anything worthwhile to do] people had protested against corruption, child marriages, dowry, injustice or even joined the armed forces to take on enemies within and outside we would be living in a better place.

Monday, March 9, 2009

WATCH MEN


You better be wearing a watch when you go to this movie, because you will have to keep looking at it from time to time wondering when is this damn piece of audio visual crap going to end. You are better off watching a group of gurkhas saying, “Shaabji, Shaabji” and laugh at that, than watch this movie.

Its gory, its dark, its boring [mostly], the action is very limited but very well choreographed [if they had added another hour of action the movie would have been watchable], and it has some heavy philosophical claptrap about human nature. The characters do nothing for you than talk about their problems, [like I don’t hear enough of that in real life with the recession] and these guys are like the worst wannabe superheroes ever.

The one superhero who has super powers is Dr. Manhattan and boy, does he give you the ‘blues’. The idealistic twaddle is too heavy and I think you would need to have a 175+ IQ to understand any of his monologues. Then there is the loser Night Owl who makes me wonder, how such people can ever be superheroes, and Silk Spectre who does nothing but complain and whine and then walk around in a body hugging suit as eye candy. Rorschach and the Comedian do have some depth as characters but the plot does not give them scope for it to be explored. The other characters are not mention worthy.

Don’t waste money on this one. But if you do dislike someone send them to watch this movie by all means. If Ayeshu [my sis in law] had a gun she would have shot down all the characters and then gone after the director and writer and I think I just about escaped being shot down for taking them for this movie.

Don’t come for this one. Go watch MEN instead.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

CONSPIRACY THEORY

My take on the whole Sri Lankan cricket players being attacked in Pakistan is bound to stir a controversy. I think BCCI is behind the whole attack. After a word with the Indian captain they must have realized that Ajantha Mendis is a real threat to our chances at the T20 world cup this year. Our players have failed to read him, and as Willy put it – we make Mendis look ‘Tremendous’. And Pakistan we just managed to beat last time thanks to India’s dancing cricketer – Sreesanth who held on to the catch leading to the confirmation of the fact that there is a Mallu at every corner of the earth.

So they decided to kill two birds with one stone or in this case a few bullets. They set up an attack on the Lankan team while in Pak and put the whole blame on them. So now Pak will be banned from further cricket, India will get sole rights to the one day World cup, Mendis will either quit the game or never be the same player again. One can imagine the comments and the sounds the Indian batsmen at the crease will make when he comes on to bowl. “See there. That guy has a gun.” Finished. Our man is already pissing in his pants remembering the attack. And when we are bowling the slip cordon imitates sounds of the blasts and gun firing. The batsmen as a result is out hit wicket. He cant wait to get back to the safety of the dressing room.

India wins the next world cup. Both T20 and the ODI. Checkmate.


NOTE: All views mentioned above are just speculative and are my personal views. Please take them seriously because I am joking. And dare not think of suing me for defamation. My brother is studying Law and he quite good at it.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Slung

When I watched the movie “Unbreakable” I felt bad for Samuel L Jackson. I wondered if there was anyone out there who was that injury prone. And then I met Vee. Four days of soccer and four different injuries! His left shoulder has a ligament tear, his right arm is in a sling, his left ankle is weak and keeps getting twisted all the time and his right one cant bear the pressure of the left one being so dysfunctional.


But on the brighter side, once he is back from his right arm injury maybe he will have a sling arm action to help his bowling and will be as effective as Malinga. Am looking forward to that.


Get Well Soon Vee.



PS: I need a ride to Football Fridaze.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Goan Shatabdi Express





On Thursday I met Shamona – The Goan Shatabdi Express.

Vee got her home as they were going for a barbecue. The conversation or monologue went something like this.

Shatabdi Express: Hey you went skydiving na? How was it?

Me: [before I can even open my mouth the next question was through]

Shatabdi Express: It must have been awesome na? Sharon was also there with you na? She must have loved it. Did you know she had an accident?

Me: [I was wondering if I should even try to stop this train.]

Shatabdi Express: It was at the Gulf News Fun Drive. I am surprised that Vee also did not know about it. Oh did you know that Vee is also going sky diving next month?

Me: [I simply smiled]

Vee: Arrey let him answer na. You only are answering all the questions you asked.

I just went back to my room and laughed and laughed. If I ever were to look for a partner during college fests for “Jam” or Nonstop Nonsense” it would defiantly be her. Her and me together no one can beat us. [Actually I wonder if I will even get a chance to speak.]

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Russian Roulette knocks out Oh Bammer

E Dementieva (RUS) vs S Bammer (AUT)
Dubai Open

Elena is a year younger to me, taller than me, is right handed and most importantly she is single [Unless I have not been updated]. She has long, slender, tanned and well toned legs that seem never ending.

Sybille is about the same age and a mum of a seven year old [she doesn’t look like one] and probably one of the only mums around is fit as a fiddle.

No prizes for guessing who I was looking at and yet I did pay attention to the match and surprised myself. Max who is a yoga instructor and into body building gave us a logical explanation on why Elena’s legs were one of the greatest ones around because of the tone and stuff. That gave me all the more reason to stare at them. The match ended in a straight sets victory to Elena but not before both the women displayed some skills to keep us entertained.

Max who was supposed to leave at 10 waited till 10.30 because he wanted to know what Elena sounded like when she spoke and our friend Duane who was covering the event was invited to the players after party and that left us abusing him and envying him for the fun he has at work. Imagine having a job where you have to watch these women play, interview them, photograph them and then attend parties with them. And why on earth do married guys get such jobs when there are single, handsome and charming blokes like me out there.

At times I feel there is no justice in the world.

ERR vs. WILL


To err is human; to forgive Serena has not yet learnt.


I went to the Dubai Open to watch Serena Williams play Sara Errani. Errani true to her name erred and Serena true to her name was a picture of calmness. Serena dropped her first two serves and I was just wondering if the camera adds to the speed of the shots because it did not seem like there was too much power in them. But I realized how wrong I was when she turned it on. The serves were going at 191km/hr and the force with which she hit her forehands made me glad that I was not her opponent and just a spectator. Among the five of us attending, only Salim has played some serious tennis while I have taken a few lessons [15 min] from Willy, which pretty much amounts to winning a point on a double fault from the opponent.


My form as compared to Serena is so bad that she will beat me at love. [Damn I always wanted to win at love]. She has some muscles I must say. There are so well defined that it gives me a complex as a guy because I know that it will take me ages to get that kind of cuts on my bicep. She took the match easily even though she dropped the first set and it was good to see that there was support for both the players. While everyone was going – “come on Serena” or “come on Sara”, I decided to be patriotic and cheered, “come on Sania,” to which I received some stares and a few laughs from the people in the front.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Reasons Men Love Football Fridaze



• Everyone has a chance to “score” on a Friday morning [I scored twice last week]

• You get a chance to play with full sized balls

• You can juggle them and others will not have a problem sharing with you

• For the guys on the other side of the fence – you get a chance to get physical with 21 other guys

• You can whack a guy on the butt after he scores and it wont be considered gay

• You get to be the boss of you for a change [we all know who is the boss at home]

• You can yell, "put it in, put it in!" and that too in public and no one will raise an eyebrow. [this actually happened]

• You can shout "Fall back. We need MEN! and get away with that too. [this actually happened too]

Sunday, February 15, 2009

‘SEE THERE’ – A Tale of Snorkeling & Dolphins




Yesterday, we all headed to Musandam, Oman for a cruise to make good use of the beautiful weather. It’s a three hour long drive and Willy took the onus upon himself to drive us there and bring us back. We drove through Ras Al Khaimah, which is one of the 7 emirates that forms UAE. It’s more like a village as compared to Dubai, Abu Dhabi and Sharjah and you will not see the tall sky scrapers and the big city razzmatazz. . It’s got a sober setting and the mountains and sand add to its rugged look.


WHAT IS IN A NAME?


We stopped at the border and had to get our passports stamped. In the process many of us got rebaptized. Perrin became Berrin, Ayesha became Asian, Melony became Bello, and Sharon [pronounced Shaa Rin] became Sharon [Che Ron]. The guy at the counter called Sharon and told her “it’s a dangerous name to keep in this part of the world.” And she did not get it at first but it dawned upon her soon and she said, “Yeah! The Palestine guy na.” Willy and I burst out laughing because she could have almost been shot and have us shot too for making such a faux pas.


The drive from the Oman border to our destination was real wow. Beaches on one side, and the hills on the other. It’s a winding road, about 45 kms or so and took us about 40 min and we enjoyed the view. We then headed straight for the cruise and rented out our snorkeling equipment.


DOLPHINS – SEE THERE


As part of the whole cruise thingy we went to this spot where apparently you get to see dolphins in the sea. Now everyone on the boat was really excited to see dolphins in their natural habitat. There was a group of French nationals on board with us [three whole generations] and they seemed as excited as us about the whole deal. Now I was one of the first people to spot a duo of them and then the whole spot the dolphin contest began. Everyone was moving back and forth, side to side to spot them and they did not disappoint us. They [13 I counted] kept surfacing from time to time and one of them swam along the boat underwater for a good 10 seconds or so. [Willy managed to get the whole thing on camera]


I was really enjoying the whole chase and there was a lull in between so I decided to keep the crowd engrossed. “See there!” I shouted and pointed to the right everyone who was on the left side of the boat ran over and came to the right and was focusing on the direction I was pointing at. After about 20 seconds during which nothing seemed to be moving Perrin finally realized that I was pulling a fast one on them and she and Mello beat me up. I laughed for about 15 minutes or so just thinking about the prank I had pulled off. I guess even the French nationals aboard saw the funny side of it and I got a few friendly smiles the next time I ventured that side of the boat. I did the whole ‘see there’ routine about 5 more times during the entire trip and I always found takers for the same.



HOLLYWOOD VS BOLLYWOOD


Mello and I had a talk about movies that could be shot at this location with the hills around and being totally uninhabited with just a couple of trees on every hill. I was thinking on the lines of Lord of the Rings and I was happy that she was sharing similar thoughts till she said, “we can shoot one song sequence in different clothes in every different location.” Women! I tell you. Why is it always about clothes and looking good? I thought that Frodo and Sam could have been entering Mordor from here and she was thinking of Sridevi in a sari and Jeetendra in white trousers dancing with thousands of pots. She always makes me laugh.


SNORKELING


Now the image I had in my mind about this was totally different. I assumed we would be dropped at a beach and we would walk in and wear our equipment and then put our heads beneath and watch the fish. We anchored about 10 meters away from the land and then everyone had to jump in do the whole snorkeling thingy. Well I did not know how to swim so I sat in the boat with Melo and watched all my friends do it [snorkeling, I know what you were thinking] while I took snaps of them enjoying themselves. Perri was the bravest and she went in without a life jacket. Willy and Ayeshu actually did the most snorkeling and Carter went in with a life jacket and was floating about in the water. Carter started drifting with the current and he managed a few backstrokes to reach the boat again. [You had us worried there Carter]. I threw pieces of banana and khubus to the fishes and watched them fight over it. Why get into the water when you can see the fish from the boat?


About two hours later we reached another spot and this time I made up my mind to get into the water. So on came my life jacket and soon I was off the boat and in the sea. Perri being such a sweetheart decided to give me company given my fear of water and I stayed close to the boat at all times and she did her best to take me a few feet away but I stayed within the 6 feet radius. The water was a bit cold and twice my head did go below the water but I did not see any fish. No mermaids as well though the old French lady did give me her hand to help me overcome my fear of being away from the boat which I politely declined. If I am going down I’d rather it be a young French lady. Jones joined us pretty soon and the remaining on deck had a good time at my expense clicking away like the paparazzi, savoring every moment of my discomfort. If that was not enough the guide on our boat was telling people on the other boats about my fear and they too came to enjoy my plight. [I am sure the others on the boat must have been shouting – see there, at me.]


The next time I head for such a trip I shall have mastered the art of swimming I have decided.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Advertising - My Take on it

Another one of my 'genius' creations on advertising.
*this one has got a bit of an optical illusion

PS: you have to turn it upside down to get it.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Add to my Brain

Yesterday I happened to spend the evening at my couz Willy's place and it’s such a refreshing experience. The boy is an encyclopedia of knowledge. My very own Wikipedia. While my sis in law took care of my gourmet habits, Willy was busy adding to my restricted yet spongy mind. He can talk about any topic under the sun with such ease and he always adds to a discussion. Few more sessions like these and I shall be in another league altogether.


He also happens to be my favorite poet [but I shall elaborate on that later]


We talk about everything that we have in common and he then introduces me to some new aspects of life. I love our long talks and I remember the times when we were growing up when we used to spend hours on the phone talking to each other about football, school and family. I was so thrilled that he came to Dubai. Its always good to have family around especially the intelligent and hospitable types. J