Thursday, May 28, 2009

Compilations - Of Girlfriends and Women

[this one really got my sis laughing. And no offense to women.]

Hey guys,

I’m on a major trip. And this is cos I’m really heart broken. My gf doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time. She wants a mediocre man, and I am working hard to be as mediocre as possible. She laughs at everything I say. Why? Not because she thinks it’s funny but because she has fine teeth.

Then comes the final sentence to every argument. Why don’t you want to marry me? There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is when I'll get married. The trouble with marrying your gf is that you create a job vacancy. Lol. But to impress a woman to become your gf, all you need is the dope. I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts: financial worries.

I want to be successful in life. Behind every successful man stands a proud gf and a surprised to be mother-in-law. If it up to her then she’d like a world without men. Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

But being with her I realised many things about women. God created women because He couldn't teach sheep how to type. And therein comes the secret to a successful nation. He who can govern a woman can govern a nation. So now we know why Mr Bush is not doing so well. Women like silent men. They think they're listening. Dennis you are going to be the ideal husband.

So I finally broke up with my gf. If you don't think women are explosive, try dropping one. Why haven't women got labels on their foreheads saying, "Danger: Government Health Warning: Women can be dangerous to your brains, genitals, current account, confidence, razor blades and good standing among your friends. We had a lot in common. I loved her and she loved her.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. And trust me I am. I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body.

There is a big difference between love and infatuation. Infatuation is when you think she's as sexy as Pamela Anderson, as smart as Sushmita, as noble as Sonia Gandhi, as funny as Whoopi Goldberg, and as athletic as Serena Williams. Love is when you realise that she's as sexy as Whoopi Goldberg, as smart as Pamela, as funny as Serena Williams, as athletic as Sonia Gandhi, and nothing like Sushmita--but you'll take her anyway. And it also means you need to get your head checked.

There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I have erased that line. There is no human problem, which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advised. I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. And a lot of girls, I mean a lot, a lot would endorse that.

Compilations - Vegetarian Mind

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

And why am I raising all these questions? Freaking Vegetarian mind.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Compilations - Dubai Life

Letters to family in 2004

I don’t want to be a celebrity. I cannot work hard all my life to become a well known face and then wear dark glasses to avoid being recognized. I like me the way I am. I am not going to be the most downloaded face ever. Heck I’m no good at computers. It beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kick boxing. Though I am paying the damages caused.

I lent some money to my ex gf. Never seen her ever since. It was a worthy investment. Grow up you say when you read this. Well - I’m not an adult as yet. I’m still growing. When i stop growing at both ends and grow in the middle is when I’ll be an adult. I attended mass last week with my uncle. The sermon was about Adam and Eve. My uncle noticed me feeling his ribs. He asked me what I was doing. I said, "I counted these ribs 3 times now. I think I'm having a wife."

I did some shopping for my friends. All girls. Now I stopped laughing at women’s clothes. Now i know any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them. Money never seemed so valuable before. Have you noticed that anything you lose automatically doubles in value?

Speaking of values I said a prayer yesterday. "Lord, I wish you would make it rain - not so much for me, I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old cousin here.[In Dubai it does not rain too often]."

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Compilations - Creative Thoughts

[more from 2004]

So I have been trying to get the creative juices flowing. Hope at least some of you laughed. Because that was my intention. Some must have laughed as they were reading it and some after. She who laughs last thinks slowest so I hope you have the last laugh.

I needed to borrow some money to get through my initial expenses. I learnt an important lesson there. Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back. And you can go back for seconds. Speaking of which I clocked 13 in my 100 meters. Pretty good considering the amount of people I met on the way as I was running. I am in terrific shape. Most of it is due to the amount of exercises I’ve been doing. Though in the last few days it has kind of reduced. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck with my boss.

This place is great but the loneliness is a killer. Tina you were right. I do miss her. I need someone really bad. (All you single women out there)Are you really bad? Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If she isn't there the first time you need her, chances are you won't need her again. Don’t think I’m getting smart with you. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. But I’m sure your day will come. Haven’t you heard, every dog has his day? Then what about the bitches?

Hey did I tell you guys I have girls living with me in the same house? It’s a great learning experience. One good turn gets most of the blankets. Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep. I do miss my ex gf a lot. A lot. But my aim is improving nonetheless. We used to party like crazy. It was always One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Every time I left her she threatened suicide. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide is it considered a hostage situation? But the one important lesson she taught me I’d never forget.

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment. Wow. When a man talks nasty to a woman its Sexual harassment. When a woman talks nasty to a man its $5 a minute. But I know how to please women. It's something that's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Yep it’s Money.

My girl left me. She was too demanding. She always wanted free gifts. Aren't all gifts free? Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Especially if yours is a coed group. So how’s things back home? Hey here is a funny one. What do you call a beautiful girl in India? A tourist. Well I must get back to work now. Trying to hone my leadership skills. Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Compilations - Secret to Success

This was written in 2004, when I had just moved to Dubai.


Hmmm,


How important is money? I think it’s not important at all. I can prove it. All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy. Give me lots of money for the rest of my life and see how unhappy I am! I will not fail. I cannot afford to make anymore mistakes. Have you noticed that any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers? You are always asked trick questions. By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions. I always admit my faults. But the true test is admitting it to someone else.


I have seen a change in myself. My aspirations keep soaring. In this part it has to. The cost of living goes up too often. By the time you can make ends meet, they've moved the ends. Change is required. So I thought maybe we should have a woman boss. That is like permitting yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. [No offence to women here]I love the problems women come to you with. Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.


On a more serious not, my boss is happy with me. He says I’m like a teakettle. Though it is up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing. What the heck. I’m successful nonetheless and all due to the work I did. The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work. And my life of course. I work smart. I have a new theory. It’s like writing a patent medicine. First convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable. And third that this is the medicine that will cure him.


There you go, that’s my secret to success.




No Write

I have been terribly busy with the play and then work for the last month or so and hence I have not penned anything down recently. But am posting up some stuff I had penned in 2004, when i just moved here. Letters to family and friends. All are compilations.