Am I Looking Fat?

Q: Am I looking fat?
A: Yes you are and no matter how much weight you lose you will always look fat. Because there will always be someone who will be thinner than you. So just quit.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall – I don’t trust what I see at all.

Now that’s the answer I give to women who keep pestering me with the damn question day in and day out. It’s like the national pastime of women of every country. When they are born the first word they understand is ‘thin’ and the first sentence they construct is “am I looking fat?” Just be happy with yourself and accept it that you look a particular way. Sometimes I wonder if they do it for sympathy. Why this constant need for reassurance? I mean come on; you have a mirror at home – so please look into it and see and judge for yourself if you are fat or thin. And honestly it does not even matter because apart from the first two we see you; no one ever keeps judging you by your looks. From then on it’s what you speak and how you behave.

Lisa Oh Lisa

I had this senior called Lisa. Pretty thing. We were working on a movie together and happened to spend some quality time together. Big mistake. I told her, “Lisa you have two things in common with Lisa Ray.” She asked, “Our name and we both are pretty?” I said, “well the name is common alright, but the other fact is that both of you are great until you open your mouth to speak. And yes you are pretty. Pretty stupid that is to think that you can compare your beauty to Lisa Ray with that double chin of yours.” That was the end of our friendship. I think it was the double chin that did it.

Laying Tracks

In college I knew this chick who weighed 90 kilos and she refused to wear ‘track pants’ because they made her look fat apparently. Really? Babe when you play hopscotch it’s like you doing – Kerala, Karnataka, Maharashtra, [Goa is too small for her] Gujarat, Rajasthan, Punjab, Kashmir… so just chuck the ‘look’ and wear the damn tracks. Anyways people are running around you to get some exercise so you really think that anything you do will look any different?

Fat Football

Yes, it’s considered to be cool and hot and beautiful and handsome to be thin and slim and slender. But honestly – you really think that counts for much? The only reason I’d like to lose weight is so that I can run faster and I’d be able to defend better when I play football so that Julius won’t keep pushing the ball past me and making a dash for it while I am forced to bring him down. If I do shed some I will be able to bring him down easier because I am never going to be as fast as he is.

Description not Judgment

Don’t be like those women whose bodies are thin and brains are fat. Fat and thin are descriptions not judgments. Don’t get too carried away by them. But it has thrown up some brilliant ideas as well. I am going to use them to label cigarettes and alcohol “contains 90% fat” and maybe add a photograph of naked fat people smoking and drinking as well.

Take my advice – better be thick skinned than thick in the head.

The Chameleon Theory

The word Chameleon has its roots in Greek and means "on the earth, on the ground, lion." Now that is pretty weird because it looks nothing like the lion. Now the reason I am writing this is not to give you a picture of the scientific gobbledygook about chameleons. If you thought that you obviously did not know that science was my least favorite period in school, my favorite being sports. Now that speaks a lot about how much you know me as well, and why on earth am I going off topic.

Damn. I have a short attention span. Well the most widely known characteristic about the chameleon is that it changes its color. Some say it changes its color according to the environment it is in and that sounds ‘cooler’ so I shall go with that. Now people often take on the color of the environment they are in too, they blend in with their surroundings and camouflage themselves with the society they live in. And then you try and belong, you do everything in your power to be as ‘like’ others as you can and you forget that you were created unique.

Sometimes we feel that what is around us is erroneous or there is the craving to do things differently but the pressure is just too much and most of us cave in under its weight. Hence we take the easy way out. And we start believing all of what is told to us. Religion, marriage, birds and bees, gender, rituals, life, death and the list in endless. And sometimes it’s so ridiculous that if you ever took the time to step out of yourself and view it objectively you would laugh and how base a thing your life is.

As kids we are in the “why” stage from about 3 years old to about 8. [Let’s listen to some of the stuff you have heard as kids.]
“Mel, do your studies”
Why?
Because you need to get good marks
Why?
Because you need to get into a good college
Why?
So that you will get a good job
Why?
So that you will earn lots of money
Why?
So that you will get a good girl to get married to, because no girl will marry you if you don’t have a lots of money

[For most of us this is where we became the chameleon] Not me though. [And now the process is reversed]

But I don’t want to get married
Why?
Because I don’t like girls
Why?
Because I only love football and girls don’t play football. In fact I want to grow up and be a football player like Pele
Why?
[And it just goes on]

You see it was told to us at that age that marriage is the ultimate thing to achieve and it was important to have lots of money to get married. No wonder I always thought the girls were after my money and I refuse to get married.

The Greek roots now come into play. Here is the lion. Damn it! This chameleon refuses to blend in and insists on being “outstanding”.

Real Heroes

I have been disappointed with the audio visual journalism in India in recent times. Sensationalism, glorification, and making mountains of mole hills have been the trends. Some of them are such utter nonsense I can’t believe that there are actually people who view this shit and think its news.

I was appalled at the commercialism during the whole Mumbai terror attack by all the leading channels. If you think that making someone cry on television and use his sorrow to up TRP is business, I do not want to live in that part of the world anymore. I wish someone had done this to the very people who presented this nonsense at the loss of a loved one and I would like to see how much they enjoyed being on TV then. Leeches. God knows. Some of them may actually do just that and invite the whole world to come view their mother’s funeral if it brings in the moolah.

Just when you think everything is lost and we have no hope you switch on the TV and surf through the mindless crap and you come across a news channel that’s airing ‘Real Heroes’. Great I thought – another award function for the film stars who are nothing but stars [big balls of gas]. I do not know what prompted us to linger on that channel, maybe the presence of Aamir Khan, but it was a pleasant shock. They were actually recognizing the efforts of 24 heroes from real life who have done great deeds that have gone unnoticed till date.

Nisheeth Mehta 80% of whose workforce consists of employees who are disabled. Mohamed Sharif who gives abandoned dead bodies a dignified burial after bearing the trauma of seeing his son been buried as an unidentified body. IIT graduates who have returned to the village to give back what he has learned and resisting the lure of the big bucks. A vegetable seller, who let nothing stand in her way of setting up a multi-specialty hospital, Zaputou Angami who polished shoes and washed utensils to raise money for setting up a home for the destitute children in Nagaland, a fruit seller who set up a primary school in his village, a 16 year old boy who set up a school at the age of 9 and now provides free education to nearly 600 students. [these are just a few of the people I remember]

It was so overwhelming that tears welled up in my eyes and everyone with me who was watching this. Here we have such easy lives and yet we complain about the cost of living, the living conditions, the rents, the government and every goddamn thing and we have forgotten to thank God for our blessings and all that we have. We do absolutely nothing for others such is our life. You do one good deed and gloat about it for the next five months. Such is our shallowness. Where we see disability others see ability, where we see poverty others see an opportunity, where we see things gone astray others see a chance to rectify it. They bring to light the triviality of our existence. [Me included]

I sincerely hope that these people are elected to their constituencies as independents and they get a chance to do for their region what the politicians have failed to do in all these years. There is so much inspiration to be gained by them. I think CNN – IBN have done a commendable job with the Real Heroes project and I would like to put my hands together for a news channel after a really long time.

WRITING

I embarked on a journey to express myself through prose and poetry as a kid. I was never great at telling people what I felt about them or what I felt in general. So I took the help of writing down my thoughts. I remember writing poems in school and very soon half of the guys were approaching me to write poems on their behalf to their beloved. It was good fun because that way I figured out who is chasing whom and sometimes I have counted up to 20 + guys after the same lass. Now since I didn’t know too much about these women except that they studied with me in the same class you can imagine that she must have received a few poems from her admirers which were not so different from each other.

Now if you think that writing is easy business you are mistaken. Everyone likes to have had written but no one really likes to write. A person who composes a message or story in the form of text is generally known as a writer or an author. But I do know what to call myself because I am none of them. I am no poet either just because my lines rhyme.

The important thing about writing is that you do not play to the galleries but at the same time be open to suggestions that people give about your style and content. Now there are those who tell me that I don’t write as frequently as I used to. Now what do I tell them – it’s the damn recession.

Writing to me is more about an escape, an expression and a creation. A creation of a new world, where I reign supreme, where my word has value more than others. Innovating upon words of George Orwell I say – “when I write I am more equal than others.”

Thank you, Tejjal and thank you Perri.

Controversy Land

Barber Blabber

I remember going to the barber as kid for my haircuts. It used to be a dreadful experience because I loved growing my hair long. I guess Amitabh Bachchan was my idol and hence the fascination for long hair. But dad used to make sure that the experience was a pleasant and used to buy me a bar of 5 star later to compensate for the ‘hair loss’. I wonder if I do return to that saloon would it be offensive to call my barber a ‘barber’. Would I be sued for calling him that? It’s ridiculous. Billu Barber was changed to Billu because barber is a derogatory word. Its there in the damn Oxford dictionary. It’s a legal term.

Now you will tell me I cannot call a plumber a plumber and a carpenter a carpenter. So are these people to be called basin stylist and wood designer respectively?


Kutte, Kaminay

This is my favorite dialogue as far as Dharmendra is concerned where he goes, “Kutte, Kaminay, Mein tera khoon pi jaunga.” [Dog, Rascal, I will drink your blood] I think anyone who imitates him will always begin with this dialogue. And its never considered bad or rude or derogatory or an expletive. In fact it’s funny when we use it. And yet after slumdog millionaire was out and became a hit people had an objection to the word “Slumdog” because it has the word ‘dog’ in it. Really? And what do you think Dharampaji was saying. Maybe the breed of dog is important as well. I guess he was talking about the nice German Sheppard’s while Danny Boyle was talking about the Mongrels.


Can’t Touch This

Delhi 6 had Divya Dutta play an untouchable and there was uproar over that saying the term they used was inappropriate. So what do you call her then? Or should be not call her at all? Maybe they should have used M.C. Hammers – ‘cant touch this’ as the theme song for her every time she was on screen, as that would probably give the hint that she is one.


Funny Guys

I recently read that Hindu activists allegedly opposed erecting a statue of comedian Charlie Chaplin as part of props on a local beach for a film in Bangalore, because the actor was a Christian. Apparently the land on which the statue was to be installed belonged to a Hindu temple and the statue would hurt Hindu sentiments. If that’s the rule then ban all SRK, Aamir Khan’s, Salman Khan’s, Saif, Irrfan and John Abraham movies as well unless of course they convert. Then again the “some” Sena [just too many of them floating around with problems to keep track of] is against conversion so that would be a problem as well. Hence we are stuck. Idiots.


Problem

The problem is that people are really jobless and have nothing to do. I guess all this talk of us never attacking another nation and being a peaceful state is getting to the people. They want to fight. They want the limelight. They want to be heard and want to be in the news. No one is giving them their 2 minutes of fame without a protest or controversy.



Solution

There is no point in media not giving the coverage because they will get more desperate and take bigger measures to ensure being in the news. I did the right thing thanks to my foresight and vision. I sent my brother to study law and he is the brightest in the family. I get all my articles, speeches, etc etc checked and verified from him before I make them public and if someone does sue he will make sure that the case goes on for at least 20 years or so.

If only these ‘jobless’ [not people without jobs but people without anything worthwhile to do] people had protested against corruption, child marriages, dowry, injustice or even joined the armed forces to take on enemies within and outside we would be living in a better place.

WATCH MEN

You better be wearing a watch when you go to this movie, because you will have to keep looking at it from time to time wondering when is this damn piece of audio visual crap going to end. You are better off watching a group of gurkhas saying, “Shaabji, Shaabji” and laugh at that, than watch this movie.

Its gory, its dark, its boring [mostly], the action is very limited but very well choreographed [if they had added another hour of action the movie would have been watchable], and it has some heavy philosophical claptrap about human nature. The characters do nothing for you than talk about their problems, [like I don’t hear enough of that in real life with the recession] and these guys are like the worst wannabe superheroes ever.

The one superhero who has super powers is Dr. Manhattan and boy, does he give you the ‘blues’. The idealistic twaddle is too heavy and I think you would need to have a 175+ IQ to understand any of his monologues. Then there is the loser Night Owl who makes me wonder, how such people can ever be superheroes, and Silk Spectre who does nothing but complain and whine and then walk around in a body hugging suit as eye candy. Rorschach and the Comedian do have some depth as characters but the plot does not give them scope for it to be explored. The other characters are not mention worthy.

Don’t waste money on this one. But if you do dislike someone send them to watch this movie by all means. If Ayeshu [my sis in law] had a gun she would have shot down all the characters and then gone after the director and writer and I think I just about escaped being shot down for taking them for this movie.

Don’t come for this one. Go watch MEN instead.

CONSPIRACY THEORY

My take on the whole Sri Lankan cricket players being attacked in Pakistan is bound to stir a controversy. I think BCCI is behind the whole attack. After a word with the Indian captain they must have realized that Ajantha Mendis is a real threat to our chances at the T20 world cup this year. Our players have failed to read him, and as Willy put it – we make Mendis look ‘Tremendous’. And Pakistan we just managed to beat last time thanks to India’s dancing cricketer – Sreesanth who held on to the catch leading to the confirmation of the fact that there is a Mallu at every corner of the earth.

So they decided to kill two birds with one stone or in this case a few bullets. They set up an attack on the Lankan team while in Pak and put the whole blame on them. So now Pak will be banned from further cricket, India will get sole rights to the one day World cup, Mendis will either quit the game or never be the same player again. One can imagine the comments and the sounds the Indian batsmen at the crease will make when he comes on to bowl. “See there. That guy has a gun.” Finished. Our man is already pissing in his pants remembering the attack. And when we are bowling the slip cordon imitates sounds of the blasts and gun firing. The batsmen as a result is out hit wicket. He cant wait to get back to the safety of the dressing room.

India wins the next world cup. Both T20 and the ODI. Checkmate.


NOTE: All views mentioned above are just speculative and are my personal views. Please take them seriously because I am joking. And dare not think of suing me for defamation. My brother is studying Law and he quite good at it.