Am I Looking Fat?

Q: Am I looking fat?
A: Yes you are and no matter how much weight you lose you will always look fat. Because there will always be someone who will be thinner than you. So just quit.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall – I don’t trust what I see at all.

Now that’s the answer I give to women who keep pestering me with the damn question day in and day out. It’s like the national pastime of women of every country. When they are born the first word they understand is ‘thin’ and the first sentence they construct is “am I looking fat?” Just be happy with yourself and accept it that you look a particular way. Sometimes I wonder if they do it for sympathy. Why this constant need for reassurance? I mean come on; you have a mirror at home – so please look into it and see and judge for yourself if you are fat or thin. And honestly it does not even matter because apart from the first two we see you; no one ever keeps judging you by your looks. From then on it’s what you speak and how you behave.

Lisa Oh Lisa

I had this senior called Lisa. Pretty thing. We were working on a movie together and happened to spend some quality time together. Big mistake. I told her, “Lisa you have two things in common with Lisa Ray.” She asked, “Our name and we both are pretty?” I said, “well the name is common alright, but the other fact is that both of you are great until you open your mouth to speak. And yes you are pretty. Pretty stupid that is to think that you can compare your beauty to Lisa Ray with that double chin of yours.” That was the end of our friendship. I think it was the double chin that did it.

Laying Tracks

In college I knew this chick who weighed 90 kilos and she refused to wear ‘track pants’ because they made her look fat apparently. Really? Babe when you play hopscotch it’s like you doing – Kerala, Karnataka, Maharashtra, [Goa is too small for her] Gujarat, Rajasthan, Punjab, Kashmir… so just chuck the ‘look’ and wear the damn tracks. Anyways people are running around you to get some exercise so you really think that anything you do will look any different?

Fat Football

Yes, it’s considered to be cool and hot and beautiful and handsome to be thin and slim and slender. But honestly – you really think that counts for much? The only reason I’d like to lose weight is so that I can run faster and I’d be able to defend better when I play football so that Julius won’t keep pushing the ball past me and making a dash for it while I am forced to bring him down. If I do shed some I will be able to bring him down easier because I am never going to be as fast as he is.

Description not Judgment

Don’t be like those women whose bodies are thin and brains are fat. Fat and thin are descriptions not judgments. Don’t get too carried away by them. But it has thrown up some brilliant ideas as well. I am going to use them to label cigarettes and alcohol “contains 90% fat” and maybe add a photograph of naked fat people smoking and drinking as well.

Take my advice – better be thick skinned than thick in the head.